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I never asked to feel this way

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On Facebook... [04 Oct 2007|02:02am]

[ mood | tired ]

It seems like the last few times I've written in communities it's been to spread the word about another safe haven too. Luckily, I have not been depressed/ suicidal/ hopeless for nearly a year and I have a mission to help others who have experienced the pain I have. Now that I'm more functional and have much more strength than before, I'd like to give people all the chances they can to spread the word and make people aware of this suffering and how serious it is.

On Facebook there are a few causes I have come across:

- Suicide Prevention/ Awareness

- Depression Awareness

and one that I made because it wasn't yet created

- Psychogenic Excoriation (Compulsive Skin Picking)

In each group, we need to break the stigma and speak out for ourselves, to get the chance to communicate with people who understand us instead of wasting our time with people who will forever condemn us. Be well, take care, and know that there really really isn't an oncoming train from the light at the end of the tunnel.

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[29 Sep 2006|02:15pm]
Hi! I'm doing an paper on suicide for a class. I chose this topic because i had a very good friend of mine commit suicide in May. I'm wondering how ya'll think the media portrays suicide. If you could answer some of my questions that would be great!!! THANKS!! :) ... If anyone would like to talk about anything else on the topic of suicide Im open for discussion, just message me.

Any help i can get would be very much appreciated

1. Why are you involved in the issue of suicide, like experiences?

2. How do you get your news about it?

3. How does the news portray suicide differently than your experience?

4. What kind of misconceptions do you think people have about suicide?

5. Are there any specific news accounts that have struck you as extremely accurately or inaccurately about suicide and how can i find them?

6. How do you think suicide could be better covered?
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Two Wolves [02 Aug 2006|09:00am]

[ mood | tired ]

This is from a sheet I received yesterday from my 6- week Day Treatment Programme:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said,
"My son, the battle is between 2 *wolves* inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, inferiority, lies, false pride, greed, arrogance, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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Similar Community [28 Apr 2006|01:08am]

[ mood | tired ]

While reading this community, I noticed that there are many loving and caring people who have been hurt badly in so many different ways. There are many ways that help is available, and I'm hoping that my community can ease some of your demons.

It doesn't say in the userinfo page that I cannot do this, so here I go and I am terribly sorry if this offends anyone. And if it does, the mod can delete this entry immediately.

I created a community a while ago called
</a></font></strong></a>attemptfailed: for people who have attempted suicide. It is not a pro- suicide community, but it is one for people to tell their story, get advice, find people to relate to, etc. There is much more about it in the userinfo page, but I thought I'd give a little introduction to the community in case anyone out there is interested.

Take care everyone.

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Hey guys... [08 Feb 2006|09:37pm]

[ mood | bored ]

I'm new....Collapse )

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NEW COMMUNITY [04 Feb 2006|05:44pm]

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Intro [31 Jan 2006|09:11pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

I am 20 years old. I recently overdosed on tylenol 3s. Im new here. I plan on staying. I feel so alone and closed. I hope I can find even the slightest bit of comfort here. I am the one who people expect to have everything together. Its so hard. Im losing control. The thought of killing myself never leaves my mind. Im considering other means, its intimidating, but I cant stop thinking about it.

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I dont want to die but I still don't know how to live...all is hopeless and meaningless to me more.. [03 Dec 2005|05:13pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Hell low...

I am not sure I can find any help but in me
But do we have to be so selfish and focuse on our pain and our way out of it?
Then If I take care of myself alone,will I anybody ?
why would I need someone?

I have found out lately that Love does not exist but like a damned I go on searching and hoping for it,secretly of course as I live with my boyfriend of 4 years.

Why am I not happy?
What is my greatest lack?
is it beyond understanding?am I searching for somethin higher,some utopia,some ideals,God?

I dont even know if I can still believe in God for all the pain I have to hide and bury everyday
just have to not to be ashamed of myself and the failure I am,the failure of my life.

I somewhat sound like a teen but it worst as I am in my late twenties...I have tried therapy but shrinks suck they just put you in some category and then they give you meds and whatever!

That's also why I try to save my self alone,but the nasty side of it is that I grow distant from humanity, I feel hatred increasing inside of me and frustrations too...and I look so pathetic that I end up hating everything & myself at the same time which is of course no use...as it won't help me move on

I dont have anything
I search for a job and I ve been unemployed for 2 years and it makes me feel so useless whereas I do know I 'm worth it and that I have a good education,diplomas and skills

But we really cannot be blind to the difficult situation for youngsters in this era.
It's hard to find a flat,hard to find a job,hard to find love,hard to move,hard not to feel so hopeless

I am fighting with all my strenght but I am so ALONE.
I only have my family,my parents I mean.

I got in this depressing mode once again tonight just because I've talked to my boyfriend about getting a baby!

Don't think I am crazy!
I just want to give sense to my existence and having a family of my own is my biggest dream in this life,it's the most important to me to be a mother and give love,take care and feel useful.

my boyfriend says " we make children because we are happy not to be happy"
such crap in my face!!!

How can I be happy????
I do all I can to have a life,a job,to make my couple more alive and to organize going outs whereas he doesn t do much and we don't have money to do that often:(

I can't wait to have a situation,I feel old.
I dont care about money,I just want Love !
It's not so selfish as on the contrary I want a baby to be my center of the world and stop worrying about fuss and being self-centered in my worries and lacks...
we all have lacks I should deal with that!

I dont have any one to talk here,no friends,I have trust issues and I am surely not easy to please

The more I think about it the less I think I'll have what I want from this life and it aches so bad I just can cry and then I feel so pitiable when some people just lost someone dear to them ...how can I complain about my pathetic empty existence?

I feel angry...
I really don't know what I can do,I just always hope I will receive a phonecall for a job soon,instead of rejections all the time
I hope Prince/Princess( dont care about genre)charming will come and save me?
I am so childish...

Will I ever grow up and stop dreaming?
Well maybe sometimes i feel like a true grown ups,bitter,sad,frustrated,aware that everything is useless and love is not enough or worse maybe love is just egocentrical and self-centered in the end...

I'll never be happy.

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[18 Aug 2005|05:47am]

I'm new here.

It's just that, on June 3, 2004 I wrote a short note, put it in my pocket, took all of the pills in the house that I could find, and sat down to watch a movie. I started vomiting uncontrollably near the end of the movie, passed out and convinced people just finding me to not get me any kind of help when I woke up several hours later. I was very sick for three days, but never did go to the hopsital, even though I was hallucinating and felt absolutely horrible. Tomorrow I'm going to rent that movie and watch it for the first time since that day. I won't say which movie, because it has nothing to do with anything, it's just a stupid comedy.
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This may help someone... [28 Jul 2005|02:52am]

Schizophrenia Support
I just formed this community after my finacee was diagnosed. He feels like killing himself sometimes and I hope that it never comes to that where he feels he can get no help... if any one needs this community I am there... maybe some others too, well see how it grows. Best Wishes to All...
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relations [22 May 2005|10:59pm]

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A revenge or giving in? [12 May 2005|02:20pm]

[ mood | exhausted and starving ]

Sometimes I want to slit my wrists in front of people who harmed me, and get my blood all over them while I die. Like it would be some kind of revenge, "Look what you did to me!" And let them have the nightmare forever of remembering me dying while spilling blood all over them. (And I always picture them wearing nice clothing when this image is in my head...) Would they not need years of therapy to help them through such a thing? All because they couldn't be bothered to be reasonable, and were hateful and hurtful towards me.

Someone told me that if I did such a thing, it would be letting those people win rather than a revenge upon them. Would it?

There are so many of them. Gather them in a room and I'll do it on a catwalk above them.

I am not myself today (or is it that I am myself now and usually am not?), and don't know if I can carry out the responsibilities I have for this afternoon. And all of a sudden I will somehow scrape something together and carry them out anyhow, like I did yesterday when I couldn't.

Regarding "I am not myself today (or is it that I am myself now and usually am not?)":
I was suidicidal on and off for 17 years (age 8-25). Like shades of darkest dark through brightest light, there are so many varying degrees of being suicidal. Much of my suicidal feelings were in the dims and shadows, not dark enough to try. I did get dark enough to try only a few times.

Then I spent several months doing o.k. Now I am slipping and beginning to become suicidal again. That several months where I was doing o.k., is what I thought the real "myself" would be, were the suicidal "myself" not really me. But what if it is the other way around, and the "real me" is the suidical one? Like that film with Jack Nicholson in it, what if this is as good as it gets?

If I've made any sense whatsoever, what do you think?

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[26 Apr 2005|10:33pm]

inside of me.

Read more...Collapse )
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saying hye [08 Apr 2005|11:44am]

my name is jane, I guess I am joinging cause I have lost all my friends
due to me being so bad, attempted to kill myself yet again and those who knew me
can't deal with me anymore, they tell me that last years attempt is the very last
time I hurt them.
so I run, run as fast as I can.
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new [04 Apr 2005|11:06am]

[ mood | exhausted ]

um...there haven't been any posts in a while, but anyway...
i'm nearly 16. when i was 12 i decided i would kill myself on the 13th birthday, but i didn't cut deep enough. (i first cut then, stopped, then started again when i was 14.) the first time i tried to kill myself, i was home alone, and took a load of pills...i dont even remember what they were, i just took as many as i could. woke up the next day barely able to walk. for a week. parents still think it was "severe dehydration." i was hospitalized from late august to...early december, i think. for trying to OD. first day of school-i couldn't go there again. i was not going to ever have to look at that goddamn carpet again. 55 zoloft, 1 bottle robitussin. woke up, first thought "fuck." second, "how can i go to school today?" third thought, "well i cant cos my feet are shaking and i cant walk." shaking all over. hallucinating. there were these mechanical dinosaurs all over the walls; a black and white k-nex-type spider next to me flipping over and over, lines becoming words becoming people. was taken to the ER, some asshole security guard was sitting outside the open door. like i could have done anything with my hands shaking as fast as a hummingbird's wings. hours later the good ol' ambulance people carted me off to inpatient-fun-time.

i'm on 5 kinds of medications now. and they keep upping the dosage. and adding more pills. couldn't the pills at least be pretty colors?

well....this is probably waaaaay too long for anyone to read, and i dont blame you. sorry.

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things change.. [04 Feb 2005|05:08pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

no one has posted here in a while. so i thought i'd join and post on it. though im not sure how much i will. but this journal community caught my eyes, and im glad that they finally made a journal community like this. even though sometimes i hate talkinga bout the cuts on my wrists, the scars that wont ever go away, and the people who hate me for it. but sometimes its good to get out of my system to talk about it. sometimes when i cut i just want to see my blood. so that i know im real. you know? and sometimes when i cut, its becuase i cant bare to hurt anyone else, so i hurt myself. i know that seems selfish and stupid, but ive always been the kind of person who wouldnt hurt anyone else. would hurt herself so no one else would hurt. if that makes sense. i'd rather die a thousand deaths for one mans innocence...

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ugh...depressed [07 Dec 2004|10:24pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

im kinda a dits and stuff, but i used to be goth for about 2 years, i was always really depressed, and still am. i picked up a little on my act and now im doing much better. ive done cutting, one of the best highs... i wrote the name of whom i love. my cat. i know its pathetic and all, and you all probably thinks its insulting, but my cat i had owned died, i was soo sad, i was the one who found him on the side of the road. i got even more depressed after that, and started cutting my legs up with potato peelers. S.A.D (sun affectent disorder) is a desease that comes from my dads side of the family. i think i may have it, cause im such a depressed person. you should look it up, you may have it. my mom contributes to my cutting too, she nevers seems to care about me, its like a cry for help. i showed her once and she said these words "you shouldnt be cutting.." she wasnt yelling or grounding me at all. why cant she care? she just drones on about her stupid boring life and all her dumb shit, she never asks me about mine! it pisses me off so much. i became anorexic for a while, she laughed at me like it was a joke! i hate her.. i really do.. any suggestions on how to commit homoside? lol.

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[27 Nov 2004|05:01pm]

please helpCollapse )
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Hrrm. [25 Sep 2004|12:36am]

[ mood | worried ]

Between something eightofspades_ said and other random thoughts kicking around my head...

I wrote this tonight in my LJ:

Can I build to avoid?

Tear down the fragments of old, build anew.

Picture of the old fragments hanging on the wall of new. Reminder: forgive but don't forget.

Can the conflicting feelings of wanting to die and wanting to build (build away from death, back towards life), can these feelings exist together? Sometimes I wonder if I'm only going to drive myself insane with some sort of false hope. Like trying to freeze and boil water at the same time, will I just turn into steam, and curl upwards to disappear?

Can I get better, truly? What does it take to get better? Others who seem to get better, did they really? Or are there underlying things there that we don't see? Do they wind up killing themselves later, after "success" story of living is published?

Just babbling. A little afraid to hope tonight, but trying to anyhow.
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newbie intro bit [23 Sep 2004|01:21am]

[ mood | drained ]

First of all, this (dis_integrate) is not my regular LJ name. I made this LJ name seperate from my usual one because I need to speak more freely about my depression issues and don't know where to go or who to talk to. So this LJ name is where I go ahead and let go, fully.

I have been suicidal, on and off, for over 15 years now. I first got suicidal in elementary school, though I didn't know the word "suicide," just knew the feeling of wanting to die. Most of my suicidal feelings have been mild or moderate, but there were a few times when they got bad enough that I tried. (And did a piss-poor job of it, as here I still am...)

My mother is/was mostly at fault for my depression issues. All she is capable of is judging, shrieking, criticizing unwarrantedly, and ruining peoples' lives. She's a very hateful and hurtful person, but good at hiding it a lot. There were others that contributed, but she was also at fault for some of this because when I was a child, it was her duty to protect me. She failed very, very, very miserably at protecting me.

I could go on and on about what she has done, but let it suffice to say that I hold her responsible for what she has done, and leave all that behind me. I am trying, here and now, as an adult (no longer a child under her "rule") to get better from the damage she has done to me. And sometimes my path to getting better includes more thoughts of suicide, just out of frustration and upset with all of it.The last few days have been the kind where I daydream heavily about giving it all up.

Dis_integrate. The opposite of integrating. All those who I am meshed with, the loved ones, friends and family... sometimes I wish I could un-mesh with them so I could go. Because I wouldn't want them to find me in my own home, not now that I am living with family. It would be different if I still lived alone. If I still lived alone, I'd be missed at work and get an (unanswered) phone call, and a black mark go on my attendance record. A few random people would wonder why I didn't answer their phone calls or their emails as promptly as I usually do.

Living with people, if I tried now, I risk being intercepted, and risk psychological harm to the children of the household, whether or not intercepted. I wouldn't want anyone here to have to clean anything, either.

Trying as a teenager... was written off as teen drama (never mind that I've never been the dramatic sort), and was, simply, denied altogether. (And these slashes on my wrist are, what, exactly, then, if I didn't try to commit suicide?) In that horrible woman's world of denial and abuse, I was raised to believe I would be put in a mental hospital for voicing my suicidal feelings, and I carried this over into adulthood. Because of this, I ignored some of my feelings as an adult, and getting some help for myself was quite the ordeal. It still is.

But at least I am trying to get better from my damage... which is where my mother went wrong. She refused to get better from the damage her mother did her, and in fact lied to herself and all around her, claiming she had gotten better from her damage.

"Refuse to hand it down. The legacy stops here." - Melissa Etheridge

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